Brisbane Music Scene: From Punter To Performer, Part 3: Haters Be Hatin'...

Headkase had reached a point where we were attracting record crowd numbers at Her Majesty's Bar (The Basement), and being invited to open for some of the major touring acts in bigger venues. Doing something different and refreshing was starting to pay off. 

Front page of "QLD Times" Entertainment liftout

But as with world famous artists and performers who make a positive impact and attract a big following, there are always going to be critics. You can't please everybody. And sometimes the critics go to extremes, and do whatever they can to publicly drag these figures' names through the mud in order to turn people against them.

An "Anti-Headkase Neo-Nazi group" sounds a bit dramatic. That's what we thought when we learned that it wasn't just one or two grumpy members of our audience who weren't too impressed with what they saw and heard one time. 

It began with abusive posts on the Headkase message forum about how we're sloppy and lame, we're not heavy enough, we're all "gay" because we try (and fail) to splice metal with other genres. We can take criticism. Sure, it's not constructive criticism, but bands get this sort of thing all the time. Eventually these sorts of posts started appearing more frequently, in several public message forums like the Time Off Message Board, and the guest books of record labels and popular bands at the time. And then the hate emails started filling up our inbox. 

Pretty soon, they decided to take it to the streets. Posters were being plastered around the streets, music stores and venues of Brisbane trying to convince the town to boycott Headkase and it's homosexual members. None of us are gay, but our music and image somehow made them believe we were. Websites were built as well, doctored photos and even drawings were being uploaded, and every online music forum and guestbook was filled with anti-Headkase propaganda, and spam from people posing as members of the band, unprofessionally bragging about how superior we are to all the other bands in Brisbane. Rumours were being spread, our name was being brutally dragged through the mud, and people were actually believing what they were reading. Bridges were being burned, as they insulted and badmouthed every band we'd become friends with. And, frustratingly, people who'd never heard of Headkase were getting this false first impression, and believing every word of it. 

Before the advent of social networking websites like MySpace, Facebook and Twitter, and before the law and media started taking online bullying and defamation seriously, I gathered up printouts of all the abusive posts and emails (some threatening violence against us, with comments such as, "You'd better watch your backs at your next gig"), as well as posters I'd taken down, and brought them into the Police Station on Adelaide Street. It was shrugged off and taken lightly. "There's nothing we can do about it", one officer said. "It's a civil matter. Just get the personal details of the people involved, and take them to court". 

Getting the names and addresses of anonymous cyber bullies was not going to be easy. Nobody was able to trace where the emails and guestbook posts were coming from. None of the music forum owners were willing to cooperate, saying that everyone has a right to their opinion. They wouldn't even remove the offending posts for us. Meanwhile, the hateful replies underneath the posts were growing rapidly. Even people who admitted that they were once fans had been brainwashed and turned against us. 

One day, a friend/fan of the band came up to me at The Basement, and gave me a quiet tip-off. "Don't tell anyone I told you this, but I saw who put up one of those posters. I kinda know him, but he's a bit of a dick". I promised I wouldn't rat him out for telling me. "I don't know his last name, but he goes by the nicknames of 'John the Fascist', 'Facepaint John' and 'Gay John', and he is a strong believer in Neo-Nazism". Immediately, I asked, "Why do they call him 'Gay John' if he hates gay people, and 'Facepaint John' if he hates the fact that some of us in the band wear facepaint and masks on stage?". Turns out 'Gay John' was just a silly name mates called him, poking fun of his hatred of gay people. And 'Facepaint John' was due to the fact that he would wear white facepaint, similar to that of the racist, anti-christian members of the Norwegian black metal scene (pictured), responsible for many of the infamous Church burnings in the early 1990s. 

Headkase t-shirts

Gradually, I started piecing together all kinds of information about John the Fascist and some of his associates. Any information I received was given in secrecy, and in very small doses. There was a hint of fear from those who divulged any information. Some people simply said that while they respect what the band does, they're also friends with John and didn't want to betray their friend. I started hearing stories of people who were beaten for wearing Headkase t-shirts. And many of these stories were linked to other hate crimes against Asian people and gay people, specifically a lot of the bashings outside the Wickham Hotel in the Valley. But nobody was willing to give any more information. 

At one show, there was a group of about six goths in white facepaint who were chanting, "Nigger lovers!" at us while we played. There really didn't seem to be any basis behind these racist and homophobic statements being used against us, all because we dared to play music that was a bit different to what other metal bands were playing. The silliest part about the whole thing was the fact that these people were devoting so much of their time and money to this cause. The printing costs for posters and flyers, the time spent on hanging them up and handing them out, the time spent building websites and writing on countless message forums and guestbooks, and the entry fees spent on getting into our shows. Why would you pay money to see a band you hate so much?

 Thankfully, the threats of violence towards us never became any more than threats. However, I was appalled to think that acts of violence were being carried out towards our fans for wearing our t-shirts. Especially since the Police still refused to act without full names and address details. I had all the evidence, clues and leads for an investigation that they simply didn't want to be a part of. Venues like The Basement who took the matter seriously were putting on extra security at our shows, for the protection of the band and the fans. Both the front entry for the public, and the back entry for bands were being checked to make sure nobody was bringing in weapons. And roaming security guards were making sure nobody was organising any attacks, especially during our performance. Even enthusiastic fans in the mosh pit who lunged forward towards the stage were pushed back by security.

By 2007, the madness had died down. Any internet nonsense that was still going on was going unnoticed thanks to MySpace and the measures they had to keep riff raff like that away from band profiles. The band continued playing, and we'd gone through several waves of fans in that time. Many of the original regulars who packed out The Basement had long stopped attending shows. They'd hung up their leather pants, boots and spiky collars, gained full time employment, gotten married and had kids. But with every new wave of fans, we were still able to pull large crowd numbers. The "Overcranked" festival at the RNA Showgrounds was a highlight, and certainly reassured us that people were still willing to come out of the woodwork in large numbers to see us. MySpace helped to raise our profile nationally and even internationally as well, which worked in our favour when it came to touring and releasing an album.

In the next post, I'll talk about a couple of other bands I was in during this time - Silent Partners and Marlinchen. 

To be continued...

Part 4 - http://geekazoidopinion.blogspot.com/2011_08_01_archive.html

Brisbane Music Scene: From Punter To Performer, Part 2

In Part 1, I started by describing my band Headkase's 10 Year Anniversary show at the Hi-Fi Bar in January of this year, where we performed to 1,200 people. 

I talked about some of the local Brisbane bands I used to see when I first started attending gigs. They included Resin Dogs, George, Gota Cola, Tulipan, and others who had elements of hip hop, dance, folk and ambience. 

I showed you my first band, Boris, which was influenced by these sorts of bands.

I ended with these questions:

How did heavy metal get mixed up in all of this? How and why did Headkase form? And how were the large crowds achieved?

Boris didn't last long. The band consisted of fellow animation students, and a fine art student. We pretty much lasted until the end of the course. The other animation students went on to produce some well received underground comic books, as well as perform in other bands. The fine artist (vocalist) moved to Far North QLD to pick fruit.

Soon after, I read an ad in Time Off or Rave magazine about a percussion group that was forming. Being a fan of beats and rhythms, I joined. I played my Dad's bongo drums, and eventually bought a djembe too. It was basically a weekly drum circle, and was a lot of fun. About 20 or so people banging out rhythms together. We even did some performances in the Valley rotunda. A group of documentary film makers made a film about us too. 

Within this percussion group were various members of bands, including a few from a band called "Von Gherkin". One night, the whole percussion group went to The Zoo to see Von Gherkin play. They were actually opening for George on this particular night. 

US band Mr. Bungle

Von Gherkin were very much influenced by an American band called "Mr. Bungle". I had recently started listening to that band too. What fascinated me about Mr. Bungle was the fact that they would blend lots of different genres together. Predominantly, they played heavy metal (a genre that I felt was just a little bit uninteresting at the time), but mixed it with jazz, funk, techno, ska, circus/carnival music, pirate music, and music from the Middle East. Essentially, they made metal sound interesting to me. And clearly this view was shared by members of Von Gherkin. 


Listen to a sample of "Voices" by Von Gherkin:

Voices - Von Gherkin (Sample) by RealBrettHansen

Not long after the final performance of the percussion group, my brother Todd asked me if I'd like to bring my keyboard along to band practice with a group of metal musicians he'd been jamming with. At first, I wasn't too sure what I could bring to the table, because I was really just discovering metal at the time. But then I figured I could apply my own influences of jazz, techno and trip hop, as well as circus music, which I thought was a nice touch in the music of Mr. Bungle. That first jam was a hit. And everyone was very keen to take it in this direction, rather than just be a standard heavy metal band. 

Headkase at an early rehearsal (2001)

We started jamming regularly, and came up with some fun, catchy, quirky songs. Due to the crazy nature of the music, the members, and the various things that had hurt, changed and shaped us, we decided to call the band "Headcase". This was actually originally going to be the name of one of the songs.

Nutty (lead vocalist) entered us into the 2001 Queensland Rock Awards (previous entrants included Regurgitator, Powderfinger and The Butterfly Effect). Our first ever show was to be a qualifying heat at the Bracken Ridge Tavern in April 2001. This was a good incentive to rehearse a set for the night. 

On the night, Todd (drummer) decided to draw on his face with Nikko pen to look like an evil clown. We really only had about 15 minutes of material to drag out into the 30 minute set time. And we didn't have a bass player. But somehow, we managed to qualify to enter the contest, on the condition that we find a bass player. 

It didn't take long for Todd to bring in a friend he'd met at a party, guitarist Dylan, to play bass with us. A massive Mr. Bungle fan, Dylan was also keen on this wacky genre-blending metal band idea. 

We'd registered the band name in the Rock Awards, but later changed the spelling to "Headkase" with a 'k' due to our discovery of an active punk band in Sydney with the correctly spelled name. The QLD Rock Awards was like a TAFE course on how to be a professional musician. To fully impress the judges, we had to show how serious we were by officially registering the band name (Headkase) as a business, by setting up a website, and various other things like promotion and image.

Razel

In setting up the business side of the band, I turned to members of my favourite local bands for help: Tylea from Gota Cola, Tyrone Noonan from George, and various others. I also wrote to members and managers of bands like The Mark of Cain, The Bird and The Hive, and received some helpful hints. Local all-girl punk metal band "Razel" (pronounced Razelle - rhymes with gazelle) became good friends of mine during this time too. Their manager Tracy Kick was of the greatest help in all aspects of establishing the band. 

Headkase @ The Plough Inn (2001)

We worked our way up through all the heats (held at The Plough Inn at Southbank), becoming better and more confident, and managing to bring more and more of a rent-a-crowd each time. Todd was well and truly embracing his evil clown persona, wearing proper face paint and costumes to each gig. The movement and theatrics on stage, combined with the 'different' approach to music seemed to be working in our favour. 

Headkase with Razel (2001)

Through all of these Rock Awards heats and public jam nights at the Plough Inn, we were also able to hook up our first gigs in the 'real' scene. Tracy took a chance on us, and gave us a show with Razel at the Alley Bar (at the now demolished Milton Bowling Alley), and then another with popular Adelaide rock band "Testeagles" at The Waterloo Hotel. This was our first taste of playing with the big boys. And we certainly learned that night what can go wrong. I don't really remember what the circumstances were that lead to this, but we had our set cut short and were kicked off stage by the Testeagles' manager. 

That same August week, we played the Grand Final of the 2001 QLD Rock Awards, which was held at The Arena (formerly The Roxy), another of Brisbane's bigger venues mainly used for national and international touring acts. As one of the judges was from Triple M, we didn't win first prize. Our music just wasn't suitable for commercial radio. But we were so lucky to have made it all the way to the Grand Final, while so many other bands didn't make it through the heats.

From then on, it was all about continuing to promote ourselves, mingle with crowds at gigs, and build relationships with other bands and people in the music scene. One year on, we had established ourselves as a regular act at a venue under the Hilton in the Queen Street Mall called "The Basement" (aka Her Majesty's Bar). We still played almost everywhere else, but it was here where we really built our fanbase. Every time we played there, the crowd was bigger, to a point where we were pulling 300 people on a Wednesday night. The venue kept asking us back, because we were making them a lot of money. And other bands and venues were contacting us all the time too because of this. 

Headkase playing a packed show at The Basement

By 2003, we were well and truly riding a wave. Playing regular packed shows at the Basement, and being asked to play as opening act for major touring acts such as US metal giants "Skinlab", UK industrial pioneers "Killing Joke", and Australia's own "Jerk" (who had a huge commercial hit that year with their single, "I Hate People Like That"). We were finally a popular band in the underground scene.

But with popularity comes haters...


In Part 3, I'll talk a bit about the Anti-Headkase Neo-Nazi group that formed in Brisbane. 

To be continued...

Part 3 - http://geekazoidopinion.blogspot.com/2011/07/brisbane-music-scene-from-punter-to_22.html

Brisbane Music Scene: From Punter To Performer, Part 1

Dylan (Headkase) at Hi-Fi Bar, 2011

As I stood on that big stage at the Hi-Fi Bar with the band, before a sea of almost 1,200 cheering people, I finally felt like all the hard work had paid off. For that brief period of time on Friday 28th of January, 2011, it was our turn. The 'Headkase' Ten Year Anniversary performance was not just another gig. This was the ultimate "rock concert" experience that every unsigned musician dreams of. 

Brett (Headkase) at Hi-Fi Bar, 2011

And it all began 14 years ago, when I started attending local gigs. I watched as some of my favourite local bands played to increasingly larger audiences at every gig. Nobody I talked to had ever heard of these bands, but it was fascinating to see all the fans come out of the woodwork on these nights. It was like being in a secret club. While the rest of the world's population were ignorant of the existence of these bands, 500+ fans would come together, pack out a venue and party to some great original live music. I too wanted one day to be up there on the stage, in a band, performing to big crowds. 

4ZzZ 102.1 FM

I don't know what it was that lead me towards some of the more abstract, underground sounds that were coming out of Brisbane's local music scene at the time. I guess I've always enjoyed music that's a bit different. Even as a kid, I'd get a kick out of some of the weird stuff that 4zZz were playing, as opposed to all the commercial pop music everybody else liked. 

I guess part of being unpopular was enjoying unpopular music. All the cool kids liked what was "in". But what was "in" was just too bland for me. And there was (and still is) no way to avoid it. Every ad on TV, every shop, bar and passing car has it blasting. Even without listening to commercial radio, the songs still get stuck in your head. But while I couldn't avoid this over hyped, overplayed, generic, teeny-bopper rubbish, I could at least escape it occasionally by either listening to CDs, or attending live gigs.

Time Off Magazine - Brisbane Street Press

I used to read the local street press (Time Off, Rave and Scene) even before I was legally allowed to attend most gigs, so I kept pretty well informed about the scene. I was very much into acid jazz, trip hop, turntablism, trance, ambient, folk and funk at the time, and many Brisbane bands catered for these tastes. In fact, many of them combined all of those elements, which fascinated me. 

Regular bands I would go and see included: 

Soma Rasa, Zephyr Timbre, The Visitors, Hydrophonics – All live bands with real instruments, playing funky dance and hip hop that you'd normally expect to be electronic. It sounded like real music, and the stage performances were a lot of fun. 

Trinkets

Trinkets – Ambient, delicate, quiet music. Strings, keys, cleantone guitar. Really soft moments that would elevate into louder, hypnotic sections. Hard to explain. It’s the sort of music you’d listen to while reading a good book by a fireplace in a quaint old cottage. These guys were definitely an influence for the band “Marlinchen”, which I was in between 2003 and 2007.

Tulipan

Tulipan – Four girls playing exotic instruments such as hurdy-gurdy, zither and hammered dulcimer, as well as sax, violin, keyboards and plenty of drums and percussion. They all sung in harmony as well. Playing fun world music, folk and "Hungarian fusion", band members would talk about the history and origin of the instruments, which was always interesting too. 

George

George – Before they were famous, they played jazz, funk and ambient soft rock. I used to pay $10 to see them perform at The Zoo in the Valley. Sometimes, they’d perform for free in the Valley Mall rotunda during the Saturday and Sunday Markets.

Listen to a sample of "Homebrew" by George:

George - Homebrew (Sample) by RealBrettHansen

Resin Dogs

Resin Dogs – Dave Atkins’ live drumming in this hip hop/dance outfit always blew my mind. And DJ Katch was quite the turntablist. And there were always so many performers on stage, often including break dancers. This was a band who really knew how to pull massive crowds. Always a BIG, spectacular show with a big live sound. They knew how to party! Now, this is a time when Aussie hip hop was NOT played on the radio like it is now. These guys were making the crowds jump long before we were hearing Hilltop Hoods on the radio. My brothers and I ended up appearing as extras in one of their music videos: “Hardgroove 2001”.  

Listen to a sample of "Que Kumbers" by Resin Dogs:

Resin Dogs - Que Kumbers (Sample) by RealBrettHansen


 

Gota Cola

And my all time favourite, the dreamlike Gota Cola. Tylea, Lexie and Skritch always had me in a trance. I was always there, front row, centre at their gigs. I would often have a chat with Tylea afterwards. What a fanboy I was. I have both their debut EP and an autographed copy of their album, which I got them all to sign especially. Nobody else got a signed copy. It’s not like they were signing them at the merch desk. I was honoured to meet all of them. They were just such an amazing live band. It was ambient trip hop combined with indie rock. Very mesmerising stuff.  

Listen to a sample of "Red Red Moon" by Gota Cola:

Gota Cola - Red Red Moon (Sample) by RealBrettHansen

All of these influences lead me to undertake a course in DJing and turntablism at the “United DJ Mixing School”. Run by professional DJs in the business, I learnt how to scratch rhythmically (as they used to do in hip hop throughout the 1980s and early 90s, and in trip hop throughout the 90s), how to beat mix (creating beats using the drum sounds on records), and how to mix one dance (techno/house/trance) song seamlessly into another, creating the illusion of one long, drawn out track, as heard in nightclubs.

I did really well at the turntablism (scratching) element of the programme. I had an interest in this style, and have an ear for rhythm and timing in music thanks to years of classical piano.

From there, a couple of fellow animation students and I, along with a girl who was studying fine art formed “Boris”, which incorporated all of the elements of these bands I was going out to see on most weekends. There was funk, jazz, folk, trance and hip hop elements. I was on turntables and keyboard. I had originally thought that this band was going to eventually follow in the footsteps of Gota Cola, George, Resin Dogs and the others, performing for the same crowds, and perhaps even on the same bill. But things took an interesting turn. 

Listen to a few short (poorly recorded) samples of songs by Boris:

BorisMedley by RealBrettHansen

How did heavy metal get mixed up in all of this? How and why did Headkase form? And how were the large crowds achieved?

To Be Continued…

Part 2 - http://geekazoidopinion.blogspot.com/2011/07/brisbane-music-scene-from-punter-to_21.html

Elitist Nightclub a Birdee No-No

I was going through some old documents on the computer, which I'd written years ago. For as long as I've had access to software like Word (and WordPerfect before it), I've always typed up my thoughts on certain issues, events or experiences and saved them as Word documents. I don't know exactly what I'd planned to do with them. Perhaps I thought I'd compile them for a book. But what a crazy, all-over-the-place book that would be. This blog seems more appropriate for such thoughts.


One document in particular described my frustration with a certain Brisbane nightclub. Having performed at the majority of clubs and pubs in Brisbane, and visited the ones who don't host live music, there's one venue I have never set foot in. A venue that so many people speak highly of. A venue that I've been invited to on several occasions to meet people or celebrate birthdays. A venue that always has a long queue outside. A venue whose security staff have never let me enter. A venue called "Birdee Num Num".

Photo: www.brisbaneishome.com

Friday, 18 August 2006: 

There’s an elitist club in the Valley called “Birdee Num Num” who, without fail, no matter what you’re wearing, no matter what night it is, never let males in who don’t look like Calvin Klein models with perfectly styled hair and flawless faces. 

Most girls, depending on how close they compare to Paris Hilton in looks, can go in wearing next to nothing, and a pair of thongs. 

Guys who look rich, popular and good looking by model standards (face, hair, muscles, etc.) can get in wearing very casual, laid back clothes. Guys without those looks are refused entry, even if they’re wearing exactly the same outfit. You could be dressed in your absolute best, with the most expensive jeans and the smartest of shirts and shoes, and they’ll still look you up and down and say you’re not abiding by the dress code, despite the fact that the person who they let in ahead of you is wearing exactly the same as what you’re wearing. 

The dress code is very vaguely described on their website, but points out that they can’t give too much detail of it due to “legal reasons” (i.e. they’ll let you in or turn you away based on their mood and who they think is pretty enough to get in – hate crimes like that should be illegal!).

If you are having a decent hair day, and you do happen to be wearing what the bouncers consider appropriate, depending on their mood at that particular moment, they will then ask you for a student ID or a passport. That’s when they decide on the spot that the club is only for students and backpackers, which is a load of rubbish because most of the people you meet who frequent the venue are neither.

So don’t even waste your time lining up in that long queue to give those prejudiced fascists at Birdee Num Num your business. Anyone who refuses to let you pay them money for drinks because they don’t think you’re physically attractive enough, doesn’t deserve any business at all.

And anyone who brags to you about how great Birdee Num Num is from the inside, are quite often the same people who speed down the road in their car, shouting obscenities and throwing cans out the window at you, with some bland, top 40 chart trash blasting out of the stereo. The same homophobes who attack you for being gay, even if you’re not. The same morons who poke sticks at dogs and beat up women. 

Basically the staff of Birdee Num Num and the majority of the people who they accept through those exclusive doors are close-minded jerks. It’s a shame such a snobby club’s name is based on a line from the classic Peter Sellers film, “The Party” (1968), which I’m certain nobody inside has ever seen, or has any intention to see, because they’re too cool and good looking to watch some old movie nobody’s heard of. 

 

Birdie Num Num scene from "The Party" (1968)

 

Birdie Num Num / Howdy Partner 

Intercom scene from "The Party" (1968)

Bumbling Brisbane Buses, Part 3: The Passengers

 “Why is the bus PACKED at 1:30pm? I stood in the rain for nearly an hour waiting for it. Now I have to stand all the way home. Grumble.”

“Hurry hurry push push! Every man, woman and child for themselves onto the overcrowded bus!”

 It’s amazing how many people use the bus. Even on the 5am bus, you’d be surprised how many people get on at that time of morning. Yet strangely, I never see those double buses (they call them banana buses) during peak times. The small buses are always packed like sardine cans during peak times, while the banana buses only ever seem to be on the road at 11am with three passengers on them. Doesn’t make sense. 

 People from all walks of life use the buses. The elderly of course. Watch out for them. If you’re standing, and an old lady leaves her seat to get off, don’t be so eager to sit in it right away. Look first. A lot of old ladies seem to see the bus as a moving portaloo, with a soft toilet seat. I mean, the bus smells like a toilet, so why not use it as one?  I have always checked the seat first before sitting in it... Ever since I fell victim to the “puddle of doom”.

While we’re on that subject, let me refer you to another Facebook moment:

Brett: Oh no! A homeless man just got on the bus with a juice bottle of his own urine! :(

Kelly: Are you sure it wasn't apple juice?

Brett: I'm certain it wasn't. He looked as though he hadn't bathed or shaved in years. He was completely covered in filth and stunk to high hell. It was a dirty, grotty old bottle. It had to be wee.

I hate when people sit next to me on the bus. They never want to move when it's time for me to to get off. Serves me right for leaving the seat empty I guess. I should sit on the aisle seat or dump all my stuff on it like everyone else does when I get on the bus of an afternoon and want a seat. I've always got a bag or two with me, an umbrella if it's raining. So, as a bit of a warning to the person on the aisle seat, I start gathering all my stuff together. Surely me fidgeting around and picking everything up is first sign that I'm about to get out. But no. Then I reach across in front of their face to press the button. Still no clue. Then I attempt to stand up, and say "Excuse me" before they finally turn to me with a completely astonished look on their face as if to say, "What? You're getting off NOW? Why?"

And then, instead of actually getting up out of their seat to let me through, they reluctantly just shuffle their legs across a bit towards the general direction the aisle. This really makes no difference. So I am forced to sidle past, rub up against them, and hit them a few times with my stuff.  Hey! YOU sat next to ME! Sorry to have inconvenienced you by leaving a seat vacant!

Thankfully, I’ve never had to sit next to the psychotic mental case woman who travels home in the early evenings. Once, a young girl was trying to leave her window seat, and this absolute witch sat there with her arms folded, shouting, “No! No! No! You can’t get out! I’m not moving!” And this girl had to resort to calling the driver. “Excuse me, Driver? This lady won’t let me leave my seat!”, she had to call out in desperation. The driver had to stop the bus and walk over there to sort it out. The mental case eventually gave in, but grumbled and swore about it the rest of the way.  I always worry that she, or someone like her will sit next to me someday. It’s bad enough when the majority of people who sit next to me have a problem with letting me leave the seat, but at least they make a reluctant attempt.

 I talked in Part 1 of my Brisbane Bus blog posts about when I get on the bus in my supermarket uniform. When I'm standing on the bus, and I see a vacant seat, people will often place their handbags or belongings onto the seat so I can't sit down, even if I'm carrying several bags of groceries. This is what I should be doing to prevent idiots from sitting next to me. But since I’m a sucker and a doormat, I do unto others as I would have them do unto me. I leave the seat vacant for others, just so they can later be annoyed at me when I want to get off the bus.

There have been some wacky characters on that 5am bus over the last few years. Like the mournful crazy lady who would sit towards the front of the bus and scream about the end of the world, and how humanity is doomed! Always a nice pick-me-up to start the day with. Then there was the old man who always had a giant newspaper opened on the horse racing pages. He’d study those races real hard every morning. I imagine he must’ve spent his days at the TAB or the Doomben racetrack.

There’s “Always Drunk Guy”. He stumbles onto the bus every morning with blood shot eyes, and always gets off at the Normanby Hotel. They don’t open for at least another five hours after he gets off the bus, but I guess he likes to be first in and last to leave. There’s “Really Bad B.O. combined with Vindaloo Curry Guy”. Such a horrible combination of smells. He doesn’t wear deodorant and wears the same clothes every day. I guess he spilt vindaloo curry on that outfit once. 

 The 5am bus has always been popular with the guys who wear fluro yellow and fluro orange. These are the construction workers, road workers, truck drivers, storemen, people who work down in the Roma Street train yard. Good old Aussie larrikins. Always having a laugh and coughing up a storm from all the cigarettes they smoke. 

 Chefs fill the back two rows of the bus. With their black and white checkered pants, they fill the air with the smell of kitchens, dishtowels, and farts. Yes farts. These guys are pumping gas throughout the entire journey. Not deliberately. I think it just must go hand in hand with all of that slaving over hot stoves all day. I know it’s them, because I once found myself surrounded by them when I foolishly decided to choose the seat at the back left corner of the bus.

Boy, do those chefs have stories to tell though! I recently overheard one of them describing a physical fight he got into with two other chefs in a kitchen. Perhaps it was in the restaurant where you had lunch last weekend! I can tell you that there was a lot of slapping involved in this fight. But thankfully, no fry pans or rolling pins. When we dine out, we often forget that there may be a bit of a biff out the back during the preparation of the meals. If you’re ever impressed with your meal, just bare in mind that the extra ingredient could’ve been slaps. 

 There’s a zoot suited 1930’s swingin’ hep cat jazz musician who sometimes boards the 5am bus, and for a while there was a girl with a short hair style much like a Vulcan (Mr. Spock from Star Trek, played by Leonard Nimoy), who would spend the entire trip caking on 200 layers of makeup. 

 There’s a crazy old man who often boards the bus (at all times of day) dressed in an old Army uniform, sometimes a Batman suit, and as Santa Claus at Christmas time. I posted this Facebook status on Christmas Eve, 2010 on my way to work: “5am bus was decorated for Christmas. Driver was nice. Chatted with him throughout the trip. Then the old mental case who dresses up in various costumes the rest of the year hopped on as Santa. Then Powderfinger came on the radio and the driver cranked it.”

When Santa hopped on the bus, I remember the driver making a lighthearted comment about the Christmas spirit, to which Santa responded with an angry look on his face, “BWAAAPH!!”

I guess it’s nice to walk onto a bus that’s decorated for Christmas. I’m not so fussed on the State of Origin bus though.

Brett: I'm on the decorated State of Origin bus this morning. 

Katie: Hahaha! I love the plastic cut outs of the players.

Brett: I enjoyed watching people getting tapped on the head by balloons, swiped across the face by triangular flags, and one guy at the front having to lift a ‘Go Queenslander’ poster to see a map and some bus information. Translink - Because if we put as much effort into our service as we put into pointless decorations about a football game, we'd probably be pretty good.

There are quite a few angry mothers with large prams and strollers who get on the bus in the afternoon. When I’m standing, and can’t move due to being squashed between crowds of other standing people and people on seats, I don’t appreciate being the one who gets screamed at by one of these mothers: “Can you MOVE so I can get through?” A polite “excuse me” would be a much better way to handle the situation. But I had moved as much as I could without sitting on someone’s lap. 

There’s a delightful, well dressed nerdy fellow in his late thirties who wears a feather in his hat, and likes to help the bus driver when it comes to orderly departures from an overcrowded bus in the afternoon. “Ok everyone! Let’s form a straight line to the right of the aisle”, he calls out. “All those wanting to depart the vehicle, please form a line to the left of the aisle! It’s ok, nobody’s going to be left behind!”

 One Saturday afternoon, my wife and I were on the inbound bus from Holland Park, and witnessed three disgusting, trashy, fake tanned Paris Hilton-esqe bimbo skanks getting on the bus, sitting down next to a random guy, and proceeding to chat him up! They were talking and swearing really loudly! Really vulgar. And the guy didn’t seem the least bit interested. He just seemed really uncomfortable with the whole situation. The lead girl was asking, “You’re really cute! Do you think me and my friends are hot?” I think everyone on the bus felt uncomfortable. It was like watching some awful reality TV show playing out live on the bus. Clearly these sorts of shows are all these girls watch.  As we got off the bus in the King George Square Busway, a guy dressed as Superman was walking around! 

It’s not just the other passengers who are the weirdos or horrible people though. Sometimes I’m the jerk. But not physically or vocally to anybody. I'm a jerk in my head. Such thoughts are shared on Facebook:

“A kid got on the bus with his Manual Arts lawn chair made at school. I wish I could see the poor schmuck who falls through that balsa wood disaster!”

“Probably his old man I should think”, commented Lauren.

“The kid is learning”, said Ellen. “Give him a break! Learning is never a disaster”.

Feeling guilty, I commened, “Without a doubt, karma will ensure that I somehow end up on that chair, and then on the ground”. 

And that pretty much sums up life on Brisbane's buses. Never a dull moment. The buses come when they feel like it, and will keep you waiting forever if they can get away with it. The drivers are grouchy and make up their own rules as they go. Once you're on the bus, good luck getting a seat. And once you're on a seat, good luck getting out. It's all part of the fun. Those bumbling Brisbane buses. If only we had a tram system like Melbourne's. And a monorail like in Sydney. We have a long way to go. Better call a cab to ensure we get there on time.