We are still friends. I can't NOT be her friend. I can't not be anybody's friend. I very rarely end friendships.
But I must say, it's quite hard to come out of a six year relationship with the one person who you thought was your soul mate.
Since I've been living alone, not just within my empty shell of what was once our happy home, but within my own head, I have at times become quite depressed.
I promised myself to become more independent, and learn to love myself rather than rely on others for love. And one way of ensuring my own happiness and success is by putting my heart and soul into the new puppeteer business that I have just recently set up.
This overnight transition between 2012 and 2013 in the world of social media has been a bit difficult for me to deal with today. I am very happy for all of my wonderful friends who, just over the last 24 hours, have either declared that they are now in new relationships, have become engaged, or have simply reminded the world that they are very much in love with their partners.
I of course extend my sincerest congratulations to my friends for finding and embracing love. They deserve to be happy, and to be loved. Everybody does. And it couldn't happen to nicer people. But at the same time, I have these awful and selfish feelings of jealousy and bitterness which I'm trying to keep locked away in a box with a chain around it.
I'm really trying to stay positive and focus on my own happiness and independence here. And not on the fact that love turned its back on me again. And now it's mocking me by surrounding me with happy loving couples enjoying what I once had.
People give up drugs and alcohol, because they often become addicted to them, and experience a most unpleasant come down effect.
Love is like a drug. It makes you so incredibly happy. But when it goes away, the come down is extremely painful.
I had plenty of short term relationships before I got married. All of those break ups hurt too. But those relationships were all between three and nine months long. But nothing cuts deeper than the end of a six year relationship, which included a beautiful wedding day shared with all of our closest friends and family.
Much like those who give up on drugs and alcohol, I feel that I need to give up on love. It's addictive, and then painful when it leaves your system. I have given love so many chances, and it keeps on building me up just to knock me down. And by surrounding me with the love enjoyed by the people I care about is like kicking me while I'm down.
You might be thinking, "If Facebook and Twitter updates on love are what's causing you pain, then give up on those instead". But those aren't to blame. That's like saying, "Give up on your friends. Give up on leaving the house to go and see them".
No, it's not the fault of my friends for sharing and declaring their love of each other to the world. They have a right to do so. And it's not the fault of Facebook and Twitter for allowing them a platform in which to do so. Should social media sites suddenly become obsolete, love would still find a way. It's so strong that people would still be able to share and declare their love by any means necessary, as people have always done.
As you can see, my real enemy here is love itself. Love is what I need to give up on. Not the love of my personal interests and passions. My love of music, for example, has never failed me. It never lets me down.
But the notion of falling in love with another person. As exciting as falling in love is, I feel that I've experienced that excitement enough to realise that if you play with fire, you're going to get burned. That kind of love has ended in heartbreak time and time again. And when a dedicated marriage commitment can't even survive, where I have made a vow to hold onto that love for as long as I shall live, what hope is there of ever being able to love someone again?
It will be hard to turn my back on any attention I might receive, or crushes I may find myself having on anyone. But I feel like I must remember that no matter how interested a girl might seem in me at first, or how hard I work on pursuing someone I fancy, the end result of pain and heartbreak is inevitable. And I'm done with hurting like this. Especially since this kind of hurt was never supposed to return.
No, not "baby" anymore. If I need you I'll just use your simple name. Only kisses on the cheek from now on, and in a little while we'll only have to wave.
Love Ridden - Fiona Apple
I don't think giving up entirely is at all healthy. I'm inclined to suggest that you look at it instead as lowering it in your hierarchy of priorities.
ReplyDeleteBut I get that that's where you're at right now. Sometimes you've got to sit in your shit until it turns to gold.
As someone who has been 10 years single after a 6 year relationship (albeit not marriage), I totally get where you're coming from. There is nothing wrong with being single whatsoever. My life has been so rich and diverse given my experiences and the people i have had the opportunity to meet. People i never would have met if i had been partnered up that whole time. However, it can also be terribly lonely and i dont wish that loneliness upon anyone. So i am sure you will find someone fabulous again to not be lonely with and, if you dont, that is completely fine too.
ReplyDeleteThat said, intimacy - like tim minchin says in his song 'if I didnt have you' sometimes long term connections are inevitable.
What an eloquent expression of feelings.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself time. You won't feel great overnight, it's a normal grieving process you're going through (even though knowing that doesn't help). It's good that you are talking about these things and working through them. You seem like a great guy and things will get better. i am always here! Matt
When my relationship with Cam ended after eight years (we really were just kids when we started out) I sort of didn't know what to do with myself. I ended up being my own worst enemy when it came to dealing with the emotions. After a few attempts at dating I eventually went and saw a counsellor about it and it really helped. We basically talked through what it is that I seek from people, what I think have to offer them and how I can watch out for putting myself in a situation where I will be opening myself to emotional trauma.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to feel like crap for a while and it's easy to get bitter and jaded. I guess my advice is focus on doing what's emotionally healthy for you. Make sure you don't burn yourself out with other stuff as an attempt to avoid dealing with what's happened. Because then you've got burn out and failed projects on top of the stuff to deal with.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bSdRizGYb0
On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time
I was cold so I put on a sweater and I turned up the heat
And the walls began to close in and I felt so sad and frightened
I practically ran from the living room out into the street
And the wind began to blow and the trees began to pant
And the world in its cold way started coming alive
And I stood there like a buisness man waiting for the train
And I got ready for the future to arrive
The Mountain Goats - Woke Up New
Thanks very much for all of the wisdom everybody. And Sam, a great song.
ReplyDelete